Movie Review – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

7/13/03

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is about a terrible mistake that Sean Connery made in accepting the offer to play the role of Alan Quartermaine. (The character is inspired by the book, “King Solomon’s Mines”, which was very good, I recommend it). Also, I have heard that Mr. Connery is not speaking to the director of the movie at this point. I now fully understand.

I gave this piece of shit a 5 only because I did not walk out. If I had been able to overcome my shock and get the hell out of there, it would be a 4 or maybe even a 3.

Since the movie is about Extraordinary Gentlemen and circumstances, it requires and extra ordinary review.

The first 15 minutes were pretty good and got my hopes up. It showed how they recruited Alan Quartermaine while he was in Africa. Realistic and with good acting. Then we get to London and meet this League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The acting begins to slump and absurd technologies are introduced.

The movie continues to introduce more far fetched technologies as time continues. It becomes offensive. Maybe a half hour to 45 minutes into the movie, I realize that maybe I should walk out. But no, it is Sean Connery after all. I begin to fidget. My annoyance level rises. As I think of leaving, I realize that my knee and leg have fallen asleep because of the way I slouch so deeply in the seats when I go to movies. I cannot get up. I cannot escape.

Realizing that I will need help exiting, I begin to jam my thumb into my eye. If my eye bursts, someone is bound to carry me out of theater. Sigh, no one can see me so now I have a bloody eye and this movie is hurting my brain.

To my complete amazement, I realize that there is only one way out of here besides waiting for the end of the movie. I accept Jesus into my heart and begin praying. Please forgive me for all that I have done wrong. Please save me from this evil, evil movie. Surely, it must be the work of the devil. Does God hear me? Yes. In his infinite wisdom, he knows what a bad person that I am and makes me watch the rest of the movie as punishment.

I begin to cry. It soon moves to an uncontrolled sobbing that wracks my body with shuddering heaves. Yes, my eye is still bleeding. Small welts appear on my hands and feet. The lights come on as the credits roll. I stagger out of the seat and rush blindly for the exit. Emerging into the crisp night air, I fall to my knees and thank God for letting the movie finally end.

~Elric the Damned

One thought on “Movie Review – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

  1. emperorbananaketchup

    A sterling opportunity…THOROUGHLY WASTED!!!!

    The worst movie that I’ve ever seen….that way it shall be burned into my consciousness!!!

    Couldn’t imagine why they had to work an anachronistic motor car in Victorian-era London…as if Captain Nemo’s sub wasn’t stretching the plausibility matrix at that one. No wonder Alan Moore has forsworn against getting his name attached to any Hollywood bastardisations of his work

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