Movie Reviews

Greetings and salutations! Adaen has been so kind as to grant me a page to post movie reviews. I have my own 1-10 rating system with details below.

 

Elric the Damned’s Logarithmic Rating System of Death, Doom, & Despair

1: A rating of 1 means that I have already put out a contract on the director’s life. Actually, I am the one who has accepted the contract and am currently hunting the bastard down… Keep an eye out for splashy headlines in the tabloids. “Director Johnny X Dies in a Technicolor Explosion of Buffalo Wings and Pina Coladas: Police Suspect Foul Play.”

2: This movie so infuriates me that I am likely to disable my air bags and play chicken with other cars on the highway with the intention of losing. I mean really losing. Why? Because my nails are not sharp enough to claw out my own eyes (at least not properly).

3: This kind of stupidity or irrelevance just should not exist. Definitely, letters of disdain are on their way to the respective studios and actors if they can be called that.

4: This is a movie that has annoyed or bored me enough to get up and walk out. If at home, I curse sullenly and hit the rewind or stop button. Then I move on to activities better worth my time like clipping my nails or polishing my shoes. The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Eddie Murphy) is such an example. I was just shocked and very, very disappointed.

5: During a 5, I very seriously consider getting up and leaving. But I sit through to the bitter end for whatever reason. This would be better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick, but just barely. See League of Extraordinary Gentlemen for further explanation. I wouldn’t recommend a 5 to anyone, except to Adaen; I want him to suffer. Another example is the first Charlie’s Angels. It is just a wolfie-4 dressed up in sheep’s clothing(never thought I would be saying that sheep were attractive and sexy…).

6: The movie was good enough to watch but did not have anything unusual or especially good about it. A 6 is usually best watched on video unless it is one of those big screen action movies. Sometimes I will rate a movie a 7 when it is really a 6 because the action effects on the big screen tricked me. Schwartzenegger’s movies have been falling into this category lately, which is very sad (True Lies being a very notable exception at 8 or 9, it was pre-rating system [reviews started in 2000] thus the range).

7-8: This is where good movies reside. Most good movies are here. I really enjoyed them, and they were well
made. I smile and am happy. Ahhh.

9-10: These are rare indeed. These movies are exceptionally well made and speak to me at some level. These movies don’t need to have a specific relevance to my life, but they take me to another level. They are outstanding, and I would see them more than once at the theater (not always true but in theory). Besides the ones I have already listed in my reviews, examples would include Fight Club, Gladiator, Silence of the Lambs and The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood(really, would I lie to you?). Very few movies reside in this hallowed ground. And did I mention Quills? Have you rented it yet? Well? And Run Lola Run? Hmmm. Well, get busy.

~Elric the Damned, High Adventure Games

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