Movie Review – Ghost Rider

Ghost Rider Theatrical PosterGhost Rider is an adaptation of the old comic book series.

 

This poorly developed nettle rates a lowly 5.

 

I’ve never been a big Nicolas Cage Fan. Face/Off was good, but he is just not the wind beneath my wings if you know what I’m sayin’. Anyway, Cage is the lead. He is a motorcycle daredevil that jumps over things that are slightly dangerous like a row of helicopters with their blades madly whirling. When he was a young carnie (carny?) jumping bikes with his dad, he made a deal with the devil to cure Daddy’s cancer. His price, turning into a flaming skeleton in the presence of evil. Pretty cool you say.

 

Well, the acting was ok. It was just a bit too cardboard. In the very first scenes, I could tell it wasn’t going to be good as the camera zoomed in on a carnival. It even looked like the 1970s as in the film was sort of old and faded. I looked over at my friend, and we both shook our heads.

 

Eva Mendez (hot, hot, hot) was the love interest. She cannot act particularly well, but the camera kept going to her low cut blouse. Don’t know why, but who am I to ask questions.

 

Peter Fonda was a dull Mephistopheles. Just not much there. Sam Elliot is the caretaker. He is in his typical role, the older tough guy with squinty eyes and long disheveled hair. Gee, it’s as though he stepped out of Road House. Remember that one? I bet your girl friend does. Actually, Swayze was a bad ass in that one.

 

It was just a monotonous treadmill to nowhere. Some of the special effects were cool but not quite worth the $8.25. According to one of our comic book readers, it tried to mash a couple of different episodes into one story. When will they ever learn?

 

Six of us went to the show. The four guys were not happy with the movie and the two female types thought it was entertaining and good. That goes to show, most chicks don’t know sci fi/comics. The ones that do, very nice. Then we went out for drinks and one of females has the temerity to criticize the original BSG. Sheesh!

Movie Review – The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

7/13/03

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is about a terrible mistake that Sean Connery made in accepting the offer to play the role of Alan Quartermaine. (The character is inspired by the book, “King Solomon’s Mines”, which was very good, I recommend it). Also, I have heard that Mr. Connery is not speaking to the director of the movie at this point. I now fully understand.

I gave this piece of shit a 5 only because I did not walk out. If I had been able to overcome my shock and get the hell out of there, it would be a 4 or maybe even a 3.

Since the movie is about Extraordinary Gentlemen and circumstances, it requires and extra ordinary review.

The first 15 minutes were pretty good and got my hopes up. It showed how they recruited Alan Quartermaine while he was in Africa. Realistic and with good acting. Then we get to London and meet this League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The acting begins to slump and absurd technologies are introduced.

The movie continues to introduce more far fetched technologies as time continues. It becomes offensive. Maybe a half hour to 45 minutes into the movie, I realize that maybe I should walk out. But no, it is Sean Connery after all. I begin to fidget. My annoyance level rises. As I think of leaving, I realize that my knee and leg have fallen asleep because of the way I slouch so deeply in the seats when I go to movies. I cannot get up. I cannot escape.

Realizing that I will need help exiting, I begin to jam my thumb into my eye. If my eye bursts, someone is bound to carry me out of theater. Sigh, no one can see me so now I have a bloody eye and this movie is hurting my brain.

To my complete amazement, I realize that there is only one way out of here besides waiting for the end of the movie. I accept Jesus into my heart and begin praying. Please forgive me for all that I have done wrong. Please save me from this evil, evil movie. Surely, it must be the work of the devil. Does God hear me? Yes. In his infinite wisdom, he knows what a bad person that I am and makes me watch the rest of the movie as punishment.

I begin to cry. It soon moves to an uncontrolled sobbing that wracks my body with shuddering heaves. Yes, my eye is still bleeding. Small welts appear on my hands and feet. The lights come on as the credits roll. I stagger out of the seat and rush blindly for the exit. Emerging into the crisp night air, I fall to my knees and thank God for letting the movie finally end.

~Elric the Damned

Movie Reviews

Greetings and salutations! Adaen has been so kind as to grant me a page to post movie reviews. I have my own 1-10 rating system with details below.

 

Elric the Damned’s Logarithmic Rating System of Death, Doom, & Despair

1: A rating of 1 means that I have already put out a contract on the director’s life. Actually, I am the one who has accepted the contract and am currently hunting the bastard down… Keep an eye out for splashy headlines in the tabloids. “Director Johnny X Dies in a Technicolor Explosion of Buffalo Wings and Pina Coladas: Police Suspect Foul Play.”

2: This movie so infuriates me that I am likely to disable my air bags and play chicken with other cars on the highway with the intention of losing. I mean really losing. Why? Because my nails are not sharp enough to claw out my own eyes (at least not properly).

3: This kind of stupidity or irrelevance just should not exist. Definitely, letters of disdain are on their way to the respective studios and actors if they can be called that.

4: This is a movie that has annoyed or bored me enough to get up and walk out. If at home, I curse sullenly and hit the rewind or stop button. Then I move on to activities better worth my time like clipping my nails or polishing my shoes. The Adventures of Pluto Nash (Eddie Murphy) is such an example. I was just shocked and very, very disappointed.

5: During a 5, I very seriously consider getting up and leaving. But I sit through to the bitter end for whatever reason. This would be better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick, but just barely. See League of Extraordinary Gentlemen for further explanation. I wouldn’t recommend a 5 to anyone, except to Adaen; I want him to suffer. Another example is the first Charlie’s Angels. It is just a wolfie-4 dressed up in sheep’s clothing(never thought I would be saying that sheep were attractive and sexy…).

6: The movie was good enough to watch but did not have anything unusual or especially good about it. A 6 is usually best watched on video unless it is one of those big screen action movies. Sometimes I will rate a movie a 7 when it is really a 6 because the action effects on the big screen tricked me. Schwartzenegger’s movies have been falling into this category lately, which is very sad (True Lies being a very notable exception at 8 or 9, it was pre-rating system [reviews started in 2000] thus the range).

7-8: This is where good movies reside. Most good movies are here. I really enjoyed them, and they were well
made. I smile and am happy. Ahhh.

9-10: These are rare indeed. These movies are exceptionally well made and speak to me at some level. These movies don’t need to have a specific relevance to my life, but they take me to another level. They are outstanding, and I would see them more than once at the theater (not always true but in theory). Besides the ones I have already listed in my reviews, examples would include Fight Club, Gladiator, Silence of the Lambs and The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood(really, would I lie to you?). Very few movies reside in this hallowed ground. And did I mention Quills? Have you rented it yet? Well? And Run Lola Run? Hmmm. Well, get busy.

~Elric the Damned, High Adventure Games